Your Present Is My Past
by Victoria.Annxx
Summary: Following the Tasha Redford case, Jules' past is brought back to the surface when all her demons come out again, haunting her and taking her back to a place she thought she'd left behind years ago. Now she has to relive the worst part of her life, literally, but how will she survive it a second time when it becomes too much for her to handle, even with the help of her team.
1. Chapter 1

This is my firsflashpoint story. It is set after the events of Attention Shoppers, episode six of season one. It's about Jules and what happened in her past that is now causing her problems in the present.

If you could please take the time to leave a review to let me know what you think I would be very grateful. I hope you like it and I'm interested to know whether you want me to continue it. Just so you know more of the story actually happens in the second chapter, which you'll find out when I post it, if people want me to continue this story that is.

There will be no bad language, blasphemy or sexual content in this story due to my personal convictions. If you could refrain from using the Lord's name to make a point, I would also be very grateful. :)

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After coming back to HQ Jules couldn't stop thinking about what had happened with Tasha. Everything that they had talked about while standing on the ledge of that building brought back memories of what had happened to her after her mother died. It brought back to her the way that she felt when she found her mother in her parents' bedroom, and all the thoughts and feelings that came in the weeks following the funeral. It brought back all the memories of her own wish to die, her own attempt to end her life.

Jules had ridden back with Greg and Ed, wanting to avoid Sam's questions about whether she was alright and if she wanted to talk about it, and also how she understood what Tasha was feeling so well that led to Tasha trusting her. She just wasn't up for having to deflect all of that, and she knew that Sarge and Ed would leave her alone knowing that if she wanted to talk about it then she would in her own time. That was something Sam still didn't understand yet about how the team worked. They didn't pressure each other into talking about their problems because they knew that each member of the team had enough trust in everybody else to talk about the problem in their own time, and when that time came the others would be there to listen. Sam still didn't have that trust with everybody on the team, so he didn't talk about his experiences in the JTF2. The only people soldiers could talk to were other soldiers. But Sam expected Jules to talk to him about her personal experiences in life, which was something she wasn't comfortable doing.

The team all knew that Jules' mother had died when she was young, but Sarge was the only one who knew how she died. But even he didn't know about anything else. Nobody did. Not even her brothers or her father, before he died several years back. She chose to keep everything a secret from them because she wanted her father to believe he raised a good daughter on his own, and not have him feel guilty that somehow her problems were his fault. She knew he felt responsible about her mother, and she couldn't have it on her conscience that he would die feeling like he failed her as well.

So instead she resolved to deal with it on her own. The one time it had gotten out of control and she had ended up in hospital, she had told no one. The doctor had referred her to a psychiatrist whom she never went to. She was forced to see the psychiatrist from the psych ward at the hospital because it was the only way that she would be released. She had told them everything they wanted to hear, and after she was released had moved to Toronto, a random choice and a place nobody would think to look for her. She had met Greg a couple of months afterwards and she had become his sort of adopted daughter. Everything had gone from there and he helped her to apply to the police force, and eventually the SRU.

Greg and the team had become her family and she had never looked back. She had forgotten mostly everything of her past, a coping mechanism Greg called repression. She still remembered her mother's death and what happened after that but everything else had faded away into non-existence. The only other thing she remembered was that one time at the hospital. And that's what she was thinking about on the way back to HQ; that and how to stop herself from crying right then and there in the back of the SUV.

When they got back Jules got out of the car and ran into the building before Greg and Ed had taken off their seat-belts. They both made no attempt to leave the car, instead Ed turned to Greg who met his eyes, knowing that he wanted to know what was going on. Greg didn't stall in telling Ed the truth, as he knew there wasn't much to tell. He wasn't stupid, he knew that Jules had been keeping things back from him, probably to protect him as much as herself, and he was okay with that. She would tell him when she was ready.

Greg: 'You know that Jules' mother is dead.'

Ed: 'Yeah.'

Greg: 'She killed herself when Jules was nine. Several years after, her father died and she moved here to Toronto. I met her at a college presentation I was doing, and I promised that I would look after her. There's a lot more to it than just the basic facts, but Jules hasn't talked about it and I haven't pushed her to. All I do know is that she has hidden most of her life in the back of her mind somewhere where she doesn't have to remember. The bits and pieces she does remember are the things that she hasn't talked about. I won't insult you by asking you to keep this quiet because I know you will, but the team doesn't need to know any of this. That is Jules' decision.'

Ed: 'I understand. I also think that what you just told me is the reason why she didn't ride back with Sam.'

Greg: 'I hear you. Unfortunately though, he's not likely to leave her alone. If necessary I suppose we'll have to talk to him. I just don't want Jules to feel like she has to talk about all of this, especially as none of us would like to open up our past like that.'

Ed: 'These things that you said she's not told you about, do you think they're something that would likely cause problems for her personally and professionally?'

Greg: 'Honestly? I don't know. What I do know is that they are linked somehow to her mother's death. That's the only thing about her past she told me she remembers, so it is more than likely that they are connected. I just want you to keep an eye out for her from now on when she's in the field. I don't want to have to get her a psych evaluation because you know we have enough problems getting her to sign up for one voluntarily as it is.'

Ed: 'Maybe this is why. Does she ever say why she hates them?'

Greg: 'No. And I don't ask. It's not my place. The only thing I need to know is if she's had one or not, the details aren't important unless there is a problem.'

They sat in silence for a few minutes before making a move to get out of the SUV. It was only them and Jules back so far, the others had stopped for donuts on the way, despite it being six o'clock in the morning. They both headed to the locker room to get showered and changed, having time as they had to wait for the others to get back before debriefing. When they were ready they made their way to the briefing room and sat down, taking the opportunity of not having to talk about the day just yet, deciding instead to focus on other things such as football.

The others arrived ten minutes later, laughing at Spike for some topic he had brought up. They came into the briefing room with the bags of donuts, putting them on the table for everybody to help themselves. They all sat down in their usual places and waited for Sarge to start the debrief. Only one person wasn't present, Jules. He didn't show it but Greg was worried. She had been in her locker room for over forty minutes, which was longer than she usually was. He didn't want to send someone to get her as that would tell people that there was something wrong. But he didn't want to just leave it either. In the end he didn't have to make a decision about what to do as Jules walked into the briefing room five minutes later having showered and changed. She went straight to her seat and sat down, not looking at anybody or saying anything. Spike offered her a donut but she declined by shaking her head. Greg decided to start the debrief before anybody could notice that Jules was acting strange.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to those of you who read this story and left a review. It meant a lot. To those read but didn't leave a review, thank you for reading as well.

Here is the next chapter, hope you like it. :)

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The debrief lasted half an hour, and after it finished the boys all headed to the locker room, leaving Greg, Ed and Jules in the briefing room. Jules hadn't said a word throughout the whole debrief, leaving Greg with no choice but to have his own private debrief with her after everybody else had left. He needed to know what was going on with her, and whatever she was thinking about after today's events. Greg turned to Ed and gave him a small nod, telling him that it was okay for him to leave.

Ed went after the boys giving Greg and Jules the time they needed alone to talk, while also wanting to keep an eye on what people starting saying about Jules. Everyone had noticed that Jules hadn't said a word during the debrief, so he knew that they were probably discussing what could be up with her. Ed wanted to dissipate any rumours before they started; knowing that Jules didn't need people speculating about her personal problems.  
After Ed had gone, Greg moved from the head of the table and sat down on Jules' left. As he did he noticed that her hand was shaking because she knew exactly what he was about to ask her. He reached out and gently took her hand in his, a gesture that told Jules that she could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge her. She turned slightly towards him and Greg saw the tears that had started falling down her face.

Jules: 'After my mom died I was never the same. All I saw when I closed my eyes was her, in that bedroom. And all the blood. It haunted me wherever I went and I could never get rid of the images in my head, or the smell. I kept smelling metal everywhere and I knew it was from the blood, the metallic hint it has to it. I didn't tell my dad any of this because I didn't want him to worry about me. He had enough to deal with, when my brother started using drugs. We all kind of lost our way and dealt with things on our own.'  
She stopped to wipe the tears away before continuing.

Jules: 'When a few months had gone I stopped smelling metal and having nightmares. They just disappeared. The only thing that was still the same was the images. They were less frequent but they were still there. It started as a one off. I just wanted to know what it felt like when she did it. But when I tried the first time, all the images went away, and so did the pain. For the first time in seven months I didn't see or feel anything.'

Greg: 'You started to hurt yourself.'

She nodded, confirming his statement.

Jules: 'Nobody noticed when I would shut myself in my room for hours. They were too busy with their own lives to worry about me anymore.'

Greg: 'How often did you do it?'

Jules: 'Three, sometimes four times every few months.'

Greg: 'Did it hurt?'

Jules: 'Not really, not as much as I was hurting inside.'

Greg: 'How long did you do it for? Do you still do it?'

Jules: 'From what I remember it was on and off for seven years, but there were a couple of years before I left where everything was good. I didn't do it. But no, I don't do it anymore. When my dad died I was sixteen. My brothers had all moved out and I was getting ready to go to college. The two years where I stopped were the best times I had had since my mother died. But after my dad. . . it brought back memories and one time it went too far, deliberately. I woke up in the hospital and knew that I could never go home. So after they let me leave I moved away here to Toronto and never looked back. That's what I remember. Everything in between is gone.'

Greg: 'Did you ever get help?'

Jules: 'The doctor at the hospital referred me to a psychiatrist but I never went. The hospital psychiatrist had to evaluate me before they would let me be discharged but that was it. I couldn't face having to bring everything back into the open. I dealt with it on my own like I had been doing for eight years, and then I met you. You are one of the reasons I stopped, because I didn't feel like I was alone anymore.'

After she had finished Greg moved his chair closer to her and took hold of her other hand, the one he wasn't already holding. He moved her hair out of her face and she finally looked directly at him, the first time she had since they had left the scene a couple of hours earlier.

Greg: 'You aren't alone. You are never and will never be alone. You have me and you have the rest of this team. We are your family. And families don't abandon anyone. I want you to promise me that you will talk to me, about anything. I don't want you to feel like you have to keep anything to yourself, because you don't. And if you ever feel like you have to hurt yourself again for any reason, you tell me and I will be there for you, okay?'

Jules nodded and he hugged her, not wanting to let go because if he could feel her and see her then he knew she was alright. When she wouldn't be there he knew he would worry about her, about everything she had just told him. When Greg was finally ready to let her go and they were finished talking, they both stood up and left the debriefing room. Jules told Greg that she would be in tomorrow; she didn't want to have any time off. He said that it was alright with him as long as she was sure she would be alright. She said she would be, and said she was going to get her bag out of her locker room. As she left the briefing room, she turned around and gave him a smile.

Jules: 'I'm okay now. Everything from my past is just that, my past. When I met you it felt like my life was starting over, I was beginning again and could live the way I wanted to without being scared about the consequences. I remembered what I had done to myself but it wasn't a worry to me anymore because I knew that as long as I was here, and I never looked back I would be okay. I would be okay with you. I don't want to remember what happened, the bits that are gone. Up until today I had forgotten most of everything else as well, all the things I did remember. But now I know that it won't take as long for me to forget them this time because I won't be afraid of those memories coming back. You have helped me more than you will ever know, just by listening. And I know that if these memories ever resurface I don't have to deal with them by myself anymore. I have you guys.'

She walked back to Greg and gave him a light kiss on the cheek and when she pulled away he took hold of her hand again and Jules could see tears in his eyes.

Greg: 'You are one special person Julianna Callaghan, and I am proud to know you and call you my family. You are the closest person I have to a daughter and I wouldn't change that for a second.'

Greg dried the tears that had gathered in his eyes, and after she left he stood there waiting for Ed whom he knew would come back to him after he knew that their conversation was over.

He knew Ed would have gone to the locker room with the other guys to listen to them discuss Jules' behaviour. Rumours were bound to start unless they were squashed before they became real. A few minutes later Ed walked up to him and they both just looked at each other before either one of them spoke.

Ed: 'How bad?'

Greg: 'Bad enough. I had a feeling about what was going on; I just didn't want it to be true.'

Ed: 'And was it?'

Greg: 'Yeah, it was.'

Ed: 'I know you want whatever it is to be kept quiet but I have to know if it is going to affect her in the future.'

Greg: 'It might do, but she'll be more open to talking about it if it does and I don't think it will affect her as much as we think it will. It certainly explains the reluctance about psych evals anyway.'

Ed: 'Suicide risk?'

Greg: 'No. But she has tried before. I want to watch her for a few weeks, discretely, and  
see if she is any different after today. This is the first time she has told anybody and I don't know how that will affect her. It might not but I want to be prepared if it does.'

He doesn't mention to Ed what Jules had told him before she left, wanting to keep that secret between the two of them, a father-daughter moment.

Ed: 'How long did she do it for?'

Greg knew it wouldn't take Ed long to figure out what Jules had told him, so he didn't have to go into too much detail.

Greg: 'On and off for seven years. It started several months after her mother died, and stopped shortly after she moved here. There were a couple of years before she moved that she said were good, and she didn't have to. The suicide attempt was after her father died, it pushed her over the edge.'

Ed: 'She met you shortly after she moved here. Did you suspect anything at the time?'

Greg: 'Yeah, but nothing ever happened that confirmed anything. I helped her apply to the  
police academy thinking that it would give her the security that she needed and that she hadn't had. Nothing came up in her background check, like the hospital visit, because she changed her name.'

Ed: 'If you knew that her name was different why didn't you have a background check done with her previous name?'

Greg: 'Because I didn't want her to feel like she couldn't trust me. At the time, getting her to trust at least one person in her life was more important than having an accurate history. I did my own checks to make sure that everything was clear, and it was. I didn't think it was necessary for anybody else to double check.'

Greg was starting to get annoyed that Ed was asking him about his professionalism. He  
hadn't done anything wrong, especially nothing that other members of the police force hadn't done themselves. A lot of people wanted to forget their past and start fresh and nobody questioned their motives. What was so different about Jules?

Ed: 'Greg I'm not questioning you, you know I wouldn't do that. I just want to know if I should be personally concerned about a friend and a member of this family, and professionally concerned about the wellbeing of a team member, physically and mentally.'

Greg: 'She hasn't hurt herself in any way since I met her, and I trust her to tell me if she has. I also trust her to not do anything, because she knows that she doesn't have to anymore.'

This was enough for Ed. They both left the conversation alone after Greg's last sentence, knowing that they were arguing over nothing. Ed trusted Greg's intuition that Jules wouldn't hurt herself again, and so he promised him that in the field he would keep an eye out for her and watch out for any signs of a problem. He also trusted Jules to now be able to tell them if there was a problem. Greg broke the silence by asking what the guys were saying in the locker room.

Ed: 'Speculating, as we knew they would. Sam, mainly. He was complaining about the fact that Jules didn't ride back with him and was asking if anybody knew why. The answers were mainly jokes, as usual.'

Greg: 'So there was no danger of a rumour starting?'

Ed: 'No, definitely not. I think that Sam just needs to understand that Jules being his partner doesn't mean they go everywhere together. Maybe he's a bit too possessive of her.'

Greg: 'Wouldn't you be if the only woman on the team was your partner? He'll grow out of it in a few weeks after he's more used to having a female team member. I doubt there were any women in his unit, he probably feels like he has to protect her more.'

Ed: 'Let's hope that Jules doesn't find that out, or else we will all be walking on egg shells around her for weeks.'

Just then the guys all came out of the locker room together, and Greg and Ed both noticed that Jules was with them. They came over to them and Spike suggested they get breakfast at their favourite café. Everybody was in agreement and so they made their way over to the elevator. Greg caught Jules' eye as they all got on the elevator and she gave him a smile, letting him know that she was fine. Well, she was until Spike mentioned the fact that there were 60,000 injuries that required hospitalisation each year because of elevators, as well as twenty to thirty elevator related deaths per year. That made everyone go quiet, and when he turned around he found everyone glaring at him, due to the fact that all seven of them were standing in an elevator on the fifth floor.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you again for your reviews, glad to see people are liking this story so far. The next chapter will be the last one updated so quickly, the updates will get slower because these four chapters are the ones I had already written. I will try not to leave it too long before an update.

If there is anything you guys want to see in particular, like conversations or scenes happen between Jules and a certain character just let me know in your pm and I will try my best to make it happen. If it doesn't happen straight away, I assure you it will happen in the future so don't worry, I won't have just ignored your idea.

Hope you like chapter 3. :)

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When Jules got home after breakfast with the team she went straight upstairs, laid down on her bed and cried. She let all of her emotions about today come out, including reliving her past to Greg. She didn't care about anything at that moment. She was alone inside the safety of her own home where no one could see her at her weakest. Whenever she had days like this she kept herself together for as long as she could because she didn't want anybody to know how much some of the cases they worked affected her. Nobody else got upset about the cases they worked, so why should she be any different?

To her it was just another reminder that she was the only woman on the team, the only one who had to go through hormonal issues every month and try not to shoot every guy she came across during that time. Sometimes it was a challenge to keep herself stable around the team and not snap at them for every little thing. Greg had known her the longest so he usually knew when she was in a 'sensitive mood', that being she took everything they said seriously and personally and was likely to start crying at random things at random moments. When Greg knew that it was going to be 'one of those days' he made sure to tell everyone to be cautious around her. Everybody knew by now what he meant and nobody questioned it, except Sam.

She remembered last month when she was having a particularly bad day and had beaten Wordy, Spike and Ed at hand-to-hand combat. Sam was next and before he had gone up against her had made an idiotic comment about how the guys must have let her win for her to beat all three of them when she was the smallest and weakest member of the team, being under five foot two and weighing less than one hundred and twenty pounds. All the guys had gone quiet, looked at Jules and taken a step backward. She had sweetly asked Sam if he wanted to back out of challenging her and he had declined, putting his foot in it again by saying that he would prove to them that she wasn't hard to beat.

It took less than five minutes for Jules to have him pinned underneath her, her arm round his throat and her foot between his legs, with him begging her to forgive him and let him go. She had waited until the guys had finished taking photos and had then let go of him and left the training area. She went straight into her locker room and had sat down and cried. Greg had been the one to comfort her then, by coming to find her and letting her cry into his shoulder before telling her that Sam had wet himself before making it to the guys locker room. That had definitely improved her mood, and she had told Greg how lucky he was to not be a woman. He could see from the look in her eyes that she was in pain, from the way Sam had treated her and because of what time of month it was. He gave her some aspirin which she gratefully accepted, and when she had exited the locker room with Greg the rest of the team showed her the pictures that had been circulated around the other teams. Looking at them made her smile, and they had all then given her a big hug each and gotten on with the rest of training. Sam hadn't said anything about her height, weight or her being a woman again.

This time though, Greg didn't come to comfort her because she had made sure to keep herself stoic, and to only cry when she was alone. She knew when she had run out of the SUV before Greg and Ed that Greg would want to talk to her. And to be honest, she was relieved. She had wanted to tell him for as long as she could remember because she knew that he knew that she was keeping something from him. He had respected her though to tell him when she was ready but she had wanted him to ask her outright like he did today because otherwise she wouldn't have been strong enough to bring it up herself. He hadn't verbally asked her outright but she knew what he wanted when he sat down next to her. She also knew that he would tell Ed afterwards because he was the Team Leader. That didn't really bother her though, she trusted him as much as she did Greg, because he had been the one to introduce them. She knew that she could trust anyone that Greg trusted.

The whole time she had been in her locker room she had been stopping herself from having a panic attack. She had been struggling to breathe properly as they were coming back to the station but hadn't wanted to make it obvious. Luckily it didn't turn into a big one otherwise she knew she would have been in trouble. She had managed to calm herself down and had then gotten showered and changed, but had only come out when she heard the rest of the team come back. She was still having a little trouble breathing evenly which she knew Greg and Ed would pick up on if she went out then. So instead she had waited the twenty minutes it took for the team to arrive and had then gone out and sat at her place in the briefing room without saying a word. After that she had told Greg everything and that brought her back to the fact that she was crying in her bedroom.

When Jules had stopped crying she just lay there on her bed for a while, too tired to move. She remembered looking at the clock which read just after quarter to nine and then closing her eyes. The next time she opened them the clock read half past two, and she realised that she had been asleep for just less than six hours. Jules got up and had another shower, taking her time as she was in no rush. She stood under the water for a while, letting the heat envelope her in a mist before getting out and making herself something to eat. She heard her phone beeping and checking her messages she found that Greg had called her three times and had left a voice message after the third call.

She listened to the message, in which Greg was calling to let her know that their shifts had been changed and they were on days for the next couple of weeks, meaning that they didn't have to be in work until tomorrow morning at eight o'clock. She smiled when he added on at the end that he hoped she got the message and to call him back when she did and that he hoped that she was feeling alright about today, meaning their talk. She knew he wasn't checking up on her to make sure she hadn't come home and done something, because she knew he trusted her more than that. She knew that he was genuinely calling her to make sure she was alright after talking about it for the first time. She was glad he trusted her enough to not do something, because she didn't trust herself. Especially when there was a razor in her bathroom. A kitchen full of knives. Tools in her shed. Anything that could be used as a potential weapon against herself.

She finished eating and then called him back, deciding while on the phone to pass the afternoon by going to the spa, to relax for the first time in a few weeks. So after she and Greg ended their call, Jules went upstairs to get changed into some clothes that didn't resemble her work wardrobe. She got dressed into a light dress and cardigan with sandals seeing as how it was over thirty five degrees outside, and headed out with the intention of spending the time to forget about everything and everybody and just focus on herself for a few hours, hoping that this little bit of relaxation therapy would leave her feeling more relaxed and ready to cope with what the next day at work would bring her.

The next few weeks had been pretty routine for team one. They had had the usual amount of cases and the usual outcomes. Jules had known that Greg would have told Ed about their conversation, and it only proved her right when she realised that both of them had been watching her since that day. It was probably to make sure she didn't have a breakdown or something over the fact that she had finally told someone about her painful childhood. They knew that Greg was the first person she had told, and so weren't sure how she would react to that. However for some reason driving to work today Jules was nervous. She didn't know why as she previously had been fine, but she couldn't stop her hands from shaking on the steering wheel or her mind going crazy thinking all sorts of paranoid things. One thing Jules knew for definite though was that she was scared.

Jules was terrified about having another case like Tasha because she was scared that if she was put in a situation like that again she would freeze. She was scared that all the memories she had told Greg about would come back and haunt her while she was trying to talk somebody out of doing what she herself had tried to do for the same reason – to make the pain go away. And she wasn't sure that she would be able to do her job properly if that happened. Jules was scared that if she was in a situation like that, she wouldn't be able to stop from jumping off the edge herself.

When that thought dawned on her, Jules knew that she had to tell Greg. She had promised him she would and she didn't want to let him down after she had told him that she was fine, that she didn't feel like that anymore. She decided to talk to him when she got into work, knowing that he would be alone in the briefing room. As she pulled into the parking lot though, she could feel her chest tightening and felt like she couldn't breathe. Jules knew what was happening; it was the same way she felt in the car a few weeks ago, when she was with Greg and Ed: the start of a panic attack. She knew she would be alright if she could just make it upstairs and to her locker room without anybody seeing her, then she could take her time and get her breathing under control. She managed to control it then so today shouldn't be any different.

Jules could feel herself becoming light-headed as she walked into the building, and knew she needed to get upstairs and sit down quickly. Even though she was having trouble breathing as it was she decided to take the stairs to avoid anyone seeing her like this. When she finally got to her locker room she collapsed onto the floor and lay on her back trying to slow her breathing down. Next door the guys were in their locker room and she could hear them laughing as they made their way to the workout room. Today they were meant to be practicing close-quarter combat with Wordy as their teacher, and he worked them hard. Jules knew she had to pull herself together and get out there otherwise somebody would come looking for her and she didn't want anybody to find her in the state she was.

After a couple more minutes of slow sniper breathing and trying to concentrate on keeping her emotions in check Jules got up of the floor and got changed into her workout clothes. She looked herself over in the mirror before she left the locker room, to make sure there was nothing that would give away her panic attack. Her plan of speaking to Greg privately before workout started had fallen through, as he was standing in the workout room talking to the team. She decided to leave talking to him until later, thinking that what she had to tell him wasn't that urgent. It could wait a few hours. Anyway, she had a more important issue to deal with right now: how to act completely normal in front of everybody when inside she was freaking out.


	4. Chapter 4

Hi guys, here's the fourth chapter. Thank you for your reviews and to anyone who has followed and favourited this story, it means a lot. I have noticed that more people have followed and favourited than left a review. If you could just leave a little one to let me know what you think of it and what your thoughts are it would be great and would help me a lot. Thank you. I'm not asking for one every time but one to show me what everybody's general thoughts are.

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Jules' plan to try and act completely normal hadn't gone the way she hoped it would. When she had gone out to meet the team on the mats she hadn't been able to look at Greg or Ed, scared that they would see right through her fake smile and know something wasn't right. That act alone had made them suspicious and it only got worse as they noticed how Jules couldn't concentrate the entire time that Wordy was demonstrating what they would be practising today with Sam as his partner.

Greg saw her deliberately trying to avoid eye contact with him the second she entered the training area. She acknowledged him with a smile and that was it. She didn't look at him again for the entire duration of Wordy's demonstration. That's when he knew something was wrong. He wanted to talk to her straight away, worried that what had happened those few weeks ago was finally catching up with her. But it wasn't possible for him to just ask to have a private word with her while everyone was watching. That would be a dead give away that something was wrong and he didn't want Jules to have to deal with that kind of attention. He knew he would have to wait until training was over, but a nagging feeling he started to have told him that he wouldn't have to wait that long.

Jules really wished that she could get out of the training area and escape back to her locker room, but she knew that it wasn't possible without being seen. She knew during Wordy's demonstration that she wouldn't be able to spar today. Not while she was feeling like she was. As she heard Wordy asking them if they had any questions she could feel another panic attack looming and just wanted to get out of there before she collapsed in front of them all.

Luckily God must have heard her prayers for help because at the same time that everybody said no to the questions and started moving into position, Spike suddenly fell over with cramp in his left leg. It was so sudden that nobody could move for a few seconds, all looking at Spike screaming in agony while the cramp took over his leg. There was then this rush of people as everybody, except Jules, ran over to help Spike. While everybody's attention was focussed on Spike Jules made a quick getaway to her locker room, feeling bad that she had to leave Spike in pain like that, but really happy for the chance to escape to somewhere private.

As soon as she was in her locker room she collapsed onto the floor and started to breathe deeply, trying to keep the panic attack at bay. She stayed on the floor the entire time, not trusting herself to get up without feeling light-headed and dizzy.

She heard the guy's locker room door open and then heard the guys enter, Spike obviously being carried by Wordy and Sam judging by how they were complaining about having to carry 'dead weight'. Thankfully Spike had stopped screaming, and Jules knew that the cramp must have started to dissipate. She could hear the team all laughing about it and could hear Spike complaining that he wouldn't be able to do anything for the rest of the day. Then she heard a sound that she had been dreading, a sound that she had been hoping she wouldn't hear. Somebody opened her locker room door.

It was too late to do anything about it though. She was still lying on the floor trying very hard to breathe and she knew that she wouldn't be able to sort herself out before they saw her. So instead she decided to ignore whoever it was and concentrate on herself. She closed her eyes and focussed on her breathing, all the time hearing somebody come closer and closer, until she felt them take her right hand in theirs and smooth her hair back with their other hand.

At that she opened her eyes to see Greg looking down at her. She could see the fear and concern in his eyes and knew from the look he was giving her that she would be in the truck with Spike 'for her own safety' as he would say, even though she knew it would be more his peace of mind than for her same.

She tried to speak but couldn't get the words out, frustrated that he had to see her like this. He would know that this wasn't the first time and now she would have to tell him everything.

Jules: 'It's. . . .It's not. . . .as bad. . . .as it looks.'

Jules finally managed to get her words out, trying to comfort Greg a little as he looked like he was about to faint, even though she was the one hyperventilating on the floor.

Greg: 'It looks pretty bad from where I'm standing Jules. Don't try to talk, just concentrate on your breathing.'

He moved into a sitting position next to her on the floor, still holding her hand and smoothing back her hair which was slowly becoming damp with sweat as Jules tried very hard to stay conscious and not let the panic attack that she was clearly having defeat her.

Greg: 'This is about our talk we had, isn't it.'

Jules knew there was no point in lying to him as in the end it would make things worse, so told him the truth.

Jules: 'Yes.'

It was getting harder for her to talk, and even harder for her to breathe, so Greg decided to lay off the questions until she wasn't on the verge of passing out.

Greg: 'Jules, you have to stay awake okay. Don't close your eyes, just look at me and focus on slowing your breathing down. That's it just breathe. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere.'

He hated watching her go through this, but he hated himself even more. He was cursing himself for not picking up on the signs that something was wrong earlier. Greg knew this wasn't her first panic attack; she knew what to do and she knew it was coming which was why he had watched her make a very quick getaway from the training area when Spike's cramp came on.

He hadn't been watching her like he was supposed to since the talk after the Tasha Redford case. This was his fault and so now it was up to him to fix it. He guessed that she already knew that she would be in the truck with Spike from now on, she wasn't stupid, so he didn't have to tell her that bad news. That was probably the only thing he didn't have to tell her, everything else he would have to break to her himself, and he knew she wouldn't want to hear it but he had to tell her for own good. Like the fact that she would need a psych evaluation before being allowed out of the truck. What ghosts that could bring up Greg could only imagine.

He had told Ed where he was going and made sure that nobody else would bother them, giving him this time alone with Jules. Since he was the only one that Jules had actually told, he knew that she was more likely to open up to him again. Greg knew that she trusted Ed just as much as him, but seeing as how she had only just told Greg all about her past, he knew she wasn't ready to have a family meeting about it and tell 'Papa Ed' as well. Besides, the more people she talked to meant that there was a bigger chance of the rest of the team finding out that she was keeping secrets.


	5. Chapter 5

Here's chapter 5, sorry I made you wait but I did get this written way before I thought I would. Hope you like it and again, if there is anything you would like to see let me know and I will try to make it happen.

Just so you know, the chapters following this one may not make sense unless you re read chapter 2 because I have made some small changes but they will be noticeable in the coming chapters. If you remember chapter 2 then when you read it you should notice the changes. If not let me know and I will pm you what the changes are.

Also I plan on making Sam kind of like a bad guy, not forever and it will pave the way to Sam and Jules friendship in the later chapters. What I wrote fit with what I think I am going to do with this story so if you are a fan of Sam please note that it won't be forever and he will be good again soon. :)

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After Jules' panic attack had finally ended and she was breathing normally again Greg helped her to sit up and got her a glass of water. She was shivering and Greg could tell she was tired. He told her to take some small sips of the water and stay sitting down while he went next door to the men's locker room to tell the guys that Jules wasn't very well and he was going to take her home.

At the same time he grabbed his civilian clothes to change into them so he wasn't walking around in his workout clothes, which in all honesty he was quite embarrassed to be seen in, and then also grabbed his wallet, phone and keys. He told Ed he was taking the rest of the day off to be with Jules, so he was in charge, and that Jules wouldn't be in for an unknown amount of time.

This had caused Ed concern for Jules and her well being, but it didn't take long for him to put the pieces together and realise that the breakdown they had been worried about Jules having, had happened. He took Greg aside and told him to keep him updated on her and to let him know if he needed anything. Greg promised he would and asked him if the team asked any questions to just say that he didn't know when Jules would be coming back and to give her this time off and not bother her. Ed understood that Greg didn't want anybody turning up at her house and discovering the real reason she was taking time off. Especially Sam, the way he was so over-protective over her and not likely to leave her alone.

Greg then went back through to Jules' locker room and found her the same way he had left her, except now she could barely keep her eyes open. He decided to leave her dressed the way she was instead of trying to get her to change into her civilian clothes, and he knew it would be extremely awkward if he attempted to help her get changed, not to mention very humiliating for them both. He knew when they got back to her place it wouldn't matter what she was wearing, and her workout clothes were nowhere near as embarrassing as his were. She was just wearing a simple pair of black sweatpants and bue vest top, attire that suited her well and the same thing she had been wearing when he cought Sam checking her out on more than one occasion. He wasn't subtle at all, which made it easy for the guys to make fun of him when they would also catch his wandering gaze.

He grabbed her handbag from her locker, making sure her house keys were there and helped her up from the ground, letting her lean into him so he was practically carrying her, knowing she was weak from the panic attack and wouldn't be able to hold herself up to walk to the elevator and to his car without falling over. When he felt that they were both in a comfortable position they made their way to the elevator and were waiting for it to come when Greg heard a shout and turned to see Sam running over to them, Ed hot on his heels yelling at Sam to come back.

Sam: 'Boss, I just wanted to see how she was, if there was anything I could do. Maybe drive her car to her house for her after shift. I'll stay with her then to make sure she's okay.'

Greg: 'There's no need for that Sam, I'll be staying with Jules and Ed has already offered to drive her car back. Thank you though. (Just then the elevator arrived) See you later Sam, Ed.'

Greg walked onto the elevator with Jules and pressed the basement button, but before the doors shut Sam quickly intervened and pressed the open doors button, keeping his finger on it to keep them open.

Sam: 'You can't stay with her all night as well all day Sarge, I'll take over from you so you can be ready for work tomorrow. I'll be fine, we'll be fine, together. I'll come by around six and -'

Greg: 'Sam! I have already told you, that won't be necessary. I won't be coming into work tomorrow and Jules has already expressed her wishes that I stay with her, no one else. Now will you please let go of that button and let me take Jules home. You're upsetting her and you can see she's not up for this right now.'

Ed: 'Come on Sam, I told you everything that Greg has just told you, in the locker room. Stop being a pain in the backside and leave them alone.'

Sam: 'But it should be me! I'm her partner, I should be taking care of her!'

Jules: 'If you were my partner you would be letting me go home. I don't feel well Sam and you're making it worse, by practically stalking me. I'm tired and dizzy and feel like I'm about to collapse, if it were anyone else you wouldn't be doing this. I am going home with Greg, the person who is my father and more adept at being able to look after me than you. You already told me before that you hated looking after your sister when she was sick, what makes it different with me? Thank you for your concern but I will be fine, and I would prefer to be with Greg. He knows and understands me and judging by the way you are acting right now, which is extremely jealous, won't annoy me with being smug about being with me instead of anybody else on this team.'

Jules stopped talking, and with her words having seemed to paralyse Sam, Ed moved forward and took his finger off the open doors button, allowing them to close and take Jules and Greg down to the basement. In the meantime he was dragging Sam back towards the locker room, giving him a lecture at the same time.

Ed: 'What on earth do you think you were doing?! I told you that everything was sorted, Greg would be taking care of Jules, I would be taking her car back for her and you would be leaving her alone to rest and recuperate! But no, you didn't listen to me because you seem to think that you can ignore what I say and do whatever you want. Well you can't Sam, because I am your team leader, your superior and, until Greg gets back, your boss. Which means you will listen to what I say to you and tell you and you will obey me, do you understand.'

Sam: 'Yeah I understand, I understand that Jules is a stuck up, two faced woman who thinks every guy in the SRU has a crush on her and that she's two good for any of them. Well see if I care, I'm done with her, the snooty little -'

Sam didn't get a chance to finish his sentence before Ed punched him and sent him flying onto the ground, hitting him twice more in the face while he was still down, before standing back up, his eyes piercing Sam's with a look that could kill, breathing heavily with his anger, and he was practically breathing fire from his mouth and nose.

He noticed Spike, Wordy and Lou who were stood watching with looks of shock and disbelief over what they had just witnessed, not sure if they had heard what Sam had said or not.

Ed: 'If you ever speak like that about Jules again, or about any member of this team, the rest of the SRU and any other female members of staff in this building, you will be out of a job faster than it would take you to get up of this floor right now. You are a disgrace to team one talking like that, about a senior member of your team none the less! You're a pathetic man Sam, you have a crush on Jules that you can't seem to deal with, and when she tells you that she wants her father to look after her while she is sick you should accept that and say you're sorry for pushing the matter, not speak trash about her behind her back.'

Ed looked up and faced the rest of team one, addressing them this time instead of Sam.

Ed: 'Right now I am going to go and explain to Holleran that team one will not be working today due to unforeseen circumstances. Then I am going to go and change, and go home to my family and help my son to build a volcano for his science project. I suggest you all do the same, spend this time together on this unscheduled day off, make up for the time you don't get to spend with them. As for him (Ed motioned toward Sam), make sure he goes home as well, as for what he does I don't care. As long as I don't have to look at him anymore, otherwise I will end up hitting him again.'

Ed left the locker room to go and find Holleran, while Sam got up and dusted himself off before walking toward his locker to change. Spike, Lou and Wordy were still stood there looking shocked, but getting angrier every second, especially Spike.

Sam: 'Don't know what his problem is, attacking people unprovoked like that. I should make a complaint, get him written up by Holleran for what he did -'

Spike: 'Shut up Sam! Don't even think you can get yourself out of this mess.'

Wordy: 'We heard what you said, about Jules. That was uncalled for, out of line, disrespectful and plain stupid. You need to deal with this obsession you have over Jules. It's getting out of hand and it's making you into somebody I don't like. Somebody I don't recognise as the man we've had on this team for the last few months. Either sort yourself out or get out, because we don't want people like you around here.'

At that Wordy grabbed his civilian clothes and his personal effects and then left, heading to next door to Jules' locker room to change, not wanting to be in the same room with Sam at the moment, scared to do to Sam what Ed had done. He promised himself he would never act that way, towards anyone, especially because of what his wife Shelley had been through. Spike and Lou followed him a moment later, all three of them changing and leaving the SRU together, not saying a word, just wanting to get home to their families, and try and forget what had just happened with Sam.


	6. Chapter 6

This might be the last update for a couple of weeks. I go on holiday on Friday so there won't be another one until maybe August 4th. It could be a bit later. Hope you enjoy this update. :)

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Two weeks had gone by since the day of Jules' panic attack and Sam's behaviour. During those two weeks the team had found it hard to work with him, especially as he didn't seem very apologetic, and Ed had found it incredibly hard to work with him.

Greg had returned to work three days later, having made sure Jules was okay to stay by herself, and having had the not so great conversation with her where he told her about her needing to have a psychological evaluation before returning to work, for her own mental stability and her physical safety. Greg had also emphasised the need for them to be mindful of the team; if something like that (her panic attack) happened on a hot call then it would put the team between a rock and a hard place. They would have to help Jules at the same time as trying to deal with the hot call. Depending on the situation somebody could end up getting hurt and there would be serious consequences if that person was a hostage or a member of team one. Greg didn't want to be harsh with Jules but he needed her to understand, and he knew she wouldn't want to put the safety of her team at risk, or any innocent civilians.

In the end she had agreed, more so when Greg had promised the evaluation would be done outside the SRU by one of his friends, whom he had known since university and trusted greatly. He said it would be completely confidential and he didn't need to know what would be discussed if she didn't want him to. Nobody in the SRU had to know about the evaluation, and if she needed to take some more time off work then Greg would arrange it so she was taking a holiday using some of her time off days. He didn't want her coming back to work before the evaluation, knowing the chances of her having another panic attack were quite high, seeing as how part of the cause of the panic attacks was her work.

He had stayed with her for a couple of days until he was sure she would be alright on her own, deciding that he needed to give her some space so she could have time to get her head straight and her thoughts together before the psych evaluation. He wanted her to go with a clear idea of why she was going and what she would be asked so she was prepared to explain her feelings to the psychiatrist without having another panic attack when it was brought up.

Greg had already made the call to his friend, Dr Erik Levison, and explained the situation before hand so if Jules did panic and couldn't continue, he would be able to stop her and help her, without only knowing half the story.

The appointment was made for today, coincidentally the teams day off so he didn't have to worry about explaining to Ed why he wouldn't be there. He didn't want to tell Ed about Jules' evaluation until after it was done and they knew where they would be going from there, because at the moment he didn't even know whether Jules would be coming back to work, or whether Erik would recommend her taking a hiatus because work was part of the problem.

So he played it safe and didn't say anything, thinking that if Jules was okay to return to work she would come back with him the next day and get back into the swing of things, hopefully with some techniques of how to deal with another looming panic attack. Erik specialised in anxiety disorders, and was a master at teaching people the best techniques to help dissipate a panic attack before it even fully started. Greg hoped that Jules would be another success story, but because every patient was different, not every one responded to the same techniques. It sometimes took a while for people to find the right help technique for them.

Greg and Jules were currently sat in Erik's waiting room, along with some other patients who were waiting to see other doctors who worked in the same building as Erik. Jules hadn't said a word the entire morning, which had made Greg worried that maybe she wasn't ready for this, but he knew he couldn't cancel the appointment. Jules needed to be here, she needed help now, and how did he know that if he put it off this time, the next time wouldn't be even worse. No, it was better to get the first one over and done with as soon as possible, and then next time it wouldn't be so bad because Jules would know what to expect from the appointment, from Erik and also what to talk about exactly, because Erik would be able to ask her more direct questions.

He could tell she was nervous. He could also tell she didn't want to be there. He bet she would rather be in the middle of the worst hot call they ever had then sat here. When they had walked into the waiting room Jules had ignored the two rows of empty seats in the middle of the waiting room where everybody else was sat and instead had headed for the corner where she was out of everybody's line of sight and tucked away where it was quiet and secluded. Greg had checked her in and alerted the receptionist as to where they were sitting, knowing that from where she was she couldn't actually see Jules. The receptionist had nodded and smiled gently, acknowledging that she understood and had seen reluctant patients before. With Jules it wasn't so much reluctance as downright fear.

Once again he found himself in a situation where he hated not being able to do anything to help her, and hated himself because he had put her in this situation. He was watching her, never taking his eyes off her, scared that if he did she would run out of the waiting room and out of the building, running away from having to have this evaluation, and running away from him. And in her current state he couldn't help but have thoughts, nightmares really except it was daytime, that she would run and find herself in the middle of a road. Full of traffic. And she wouldn't do anything except stand there and let herself be run down.

That thought was one he wished he could erase from his mind but he couldn't because at the moment it was an all too real possibility. Luckily he didn't have to think about it for much longer, as he heard a familiar voice call his name, and tore his eyes away from Jules to look up and see Erik walking towards him, a smile on his face and that always knowing look in his eyes that told Greg that right now Erik was profiling him and could tell something was bothering him.

As Erik reached them Greg stood up and extended his hand, Erik doing the same to shake and reacquaint themselves with each other.

Erik: 'Greg, nice to see you again. Been a long time.'

Greg: 'Likewise Erik. I know, we always meant to catch up for that drink some time after that case you consulted on for me and we just never got round to it.'

Erik: 'Life tends to get in the way, I suppose, like usual. Ah, is this Julianna, who this appointment is for?'

Greg: 'Yes, this is Jules. She's, erm, a bit quiet today.'

Erik: 'I see that a lot with first appointments. Why don't we try and get her into my office, it would be a better place than this. Mind if I try and talk to her?'

Greg: 'Go ahead. Jules, this is Dr. Levison, Erik, he's the one you will be talking to today. Jules?'

Jules stayed silent, her gaze never moving from the point she was fixated with on the wall. She didn't even seem to have realised that her and Greg were no longer alone, or that they were now talking to her. Greg decided to let Erik have a go, seeing as how they needed to build some sort of trust area if he was going to have any chance of helping her. Gaining trust was always the first step.

Erik: 'Hi Jules, I'm Erik. How are you today?'

Jules still didn't acknowledge he was there, so Erik slowly moved until he was crouched down in front of her, breaking her gaze on the wall so she was looking at him instead. This was the first time she seemed to realise he was there. She immediately shrank back a little into her seat, realisation soon dawning on her that this was the man she would be talking to, the friend of Greg's he had told her about. She didn't want to say anything, suddenly feeling overwhelmed and not ready to do this. She started picking at the skin around her fingernails, a habit she had started when she first started hurting herself all those years ago. It had helped to calm her down when she didn't have her razor blade to use, or was in a situation where she couldn't use it.

Erik noticed her immediate discomfort and watched as she started to pick at her skin. He wanted to get her into his office as soon as he could so a scene wasn't started out in the waiting room if Jules started to really panic. Everybody staring at her wasn't going to help him diffuse the situation.

Erik: 'Okay Jules, how about you come with me, to somewhere more private where we can talk. It's okay Jules, you're safe. I'm not going to hurt you. I know that you're uncomfortable right now, that you don't want to be here, but Greg wouldn't have brought you if it wasn't important for you to see me.'

That seemed to get her attention as she looked up at Greg after Erik said this, and saw him smiling at her gently, like he always did when she was in a situation she didn't like, a smile of ease that helped her fears go away. This time it wasn't working as well, but it did help her to trust Erik and she turned back to look at him to see the same smile Greg was wearing on Erik's face as well.

Erik knew that her acknowledging Greg and then him was a big step forward, so continued to talk to her, not wanting to rush her into his office and then have her spend the whole hour wanting to get out. That would accomplish nothing and this first appointment was important for him to evaluate her and see just what was going on with her. From what Greg had told him over the phone, she was struggling a lot with her past issues of self harm and suicidal thoughts and behaviour, which for an SRU officer in daily contact with guns and other dangerous weapons, wasn't exactly ideal for her situation at the moment.

He had deliberately made the appointment for this particular Saturday as he was only working the morning today because of a special event (his twins twenty first birthdays) this evening. He wanted to get things ready during the afternoon for the party and so had scheduled Jules appointment as his last one, so if it needed to go over the hour mark it could. Something in Greg's voice had made him concerned about Jules, and he wanted to be prepared for anything, instead of having to kick her out because the hour was up and she had just started to talk. It would probably take even longer to get her to open up a second time if she felt like he wasn't interested in helping her.

Erik: 'When we go into my office, we will take things slow and just sit and talk for a while, get to know each other and see what's going on, alright? You can say as much or as little as you want, it doesn't matter, we'll go slow and not rush into anything. Does that sound okay to you?'

Jules slowly nodded her head, yes, and stopped from picking at the skin on her fingers, much to Erik's relief, to accept the hand that Erik offered to her. She stood up and followed him down the hallway to his office, where he showed her in and made her comfortable, before going outside again to talk to Greg who had waited by the doorway to be told what to do. He didn't want to intrude on Erik's session with Jules, but he didn't want her to be by herself either in case she needed him. He decided to let Erik be the decider on this.

Erik: 'I want to start by talking to her alone, see if she'll open up while you aren't there. She may be more comfortable talking if she thinks you aren't judging her or she isn't letting you down. Especially if she brings something up that she hasn't told you. She may sense your change in attitude and it would upset her if she thought you were hurt. I will see how we go and if she wants you there at all I will bring you in immediately, or if I know she's had enough. It will be a big success though if we make it through the whole session without needing you, not being rude or anything.'

Greg: 'No, I understand. If she doesn't need me in there today then the next time should be a lot easier to handle. She would know she can trust you and that it is safe for her to talk to you.'

Erik: 'You always were a great profiler and psychologist, I'm still surprised you didn't follow your original career path. You would have made an excellent psychiatrist.'

Greg: 'No, this was always your calling. You chose to help people this way, I chose to help them by becoming a cop. Turns out we've both done our careers proud.'

Erik: 'Definitely. I promise not to hurt her Greg, I may have only known her for five minutes but I can already see how much pain she is in. Believe me, I will do everything I can not to make it worse, even take some of it away if I can.'

Greg: 'I know Erik. I know. We can't lose her, she's one of the best of us, the team would fall apart without her. I would fall apart. I already lost one child Erik, I don't want it to happen again. Because if it did, I don't think I would survive this time.'

Erik: 'It won't Greg. God wouldn't be that cruel to somebody like you.'


	7. Chapter 7

Hello, I'm back again. Here's the latest chapter. Hope you like it, sorry you had to wait. Any ideas you would like to see, let me know. Anything you like or dislike also let me know and I'll see what I can do. :)

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Jules' session lasted just over two and a half hours, longer than the usual allocated time slot but shorter than Erik was expecting considering the beginning of the session. He was pleased with the progress he had made with Jules; he hadn't gained as much insight into her childhood as he would have liked, but he did learn about her suicide attempt and her feelings towards it, which was the only thing she was comfortable discussing.

In Erik's point of view, Jules had been able to deal with her suicide attempt and her feelings about it a lot easier than her self harming behaviour and her feelings towards that when she first moved here, met Greg and started to overcome her past. Unfortunately her way of doing that was to push all her memories away to the back of her mind where she didn't have to think about them anymore, they could be forgotten and she didn't have to remember. She repressed it, and her first words of the session were she didn't want to remember any of it, she wanted it stay hidden. It had no bearing on why she was here today and what she was trying to deal with now.

Erik had promised her that they wouldn't have to talk about her childhood if she didn't want to, only the parts that were relevant such as the suicide attempt and thoughts about self harm. That had led her to become quiet again, and Erik sensed it was him bringing up one of those issues that had caused her to stop talking. So he decided to take an educated guess and started talking about her suicide attempt, thinking that this issue was the less painful one for her to talk about, and he was right.

He would ask questions and she would answer them as best she could, eventually feeling comfortable enough to talk freely, without having to be prompted by him. It was then that Erik knew he was making progress with her, knowing that her talking about this willingly and talking about things he wouldn't have thought to ask her about in a question, was her opening up to him and trusting him with her private thoughts and feelings.

From the notes he made while listening to her, Erik came to the conclusion that Jules' suicidal thoughts seemed to be a reaction to her father's death. She was alone, both her parents were dead and her brothers had long since abandoned the family, so she had no one to turn to for help, no one to support her and the thought of her carrying on by herself was too much for her. Suicide was the only option to her at that moment. But when she moved here to Toronto, met Greg and got her life back on track, she left her past behind and moved on, no longer thinking that suicide was the only option. She had someone who cared about her, someone to look after her and for her to turn to for help when she needed it. She got Greg. And he also gained someone to care about him and look after him, which is what he needed at that time.

When Greg met Jules he was struggling to deal with his alcoholism and to try and stay sober, having hit rock bottom when his wife had left him and taken their three year old son Dean with her. She had stayed in Toronto, and Greg had tried to keep in touch with Dean, sometimes being allowed to see him at weekends, only supervised visits though, and he had tried to be a proper father to him, something that wasn't easy while he was still drinking. But when Dean was six his mother moved away to another city and took him with her, deciding that Greg couldn't change and she didn't want to put Dean through his father's drinking anymore. Greg never saw him again.

Jules was the one who kept him going throught that, she helped him to finally admit he had a problem and seek help for himself, and he did it because he knew he couldn't let her down as well. He wouldn't lose her because of his selfishness, not after they had become so close.

Erik had figured that it was the issue of her self harm that Jules wanted to avoid, raising red flags for him, knowing that usually when a patient avoided a topic it was because that topic was a sore subject, one they hadn't dealt with or something that was still affecting them. Greg hadn't actually said anything about Jules still hurting herself, he told Erik she wasn't, but Erik knew better than to make a decision on that before actually meeting Jules for himself. He had decided that the self harm issue was still a problem for her, she probably wasn't still hurting herself but he could tell it still preyed on her mind. Once he was sure of his assumption Erik knew he had to breach the subject with her, he couldn't just let it go undiscussed. It was obviously the most important issue with her at the moment, with him being confident that suicidal thoughts were no longer an immediate problem for her, though he needed to keep an eye on her to make sure they didn't come back to the forefront. He needed to get her talking about her self harm and find out what he could, so he had an idea of where to go with her treatment and how to help her.

He had been the one to bring the subject up, knowing that she wouldn't voluntarily. He started by asking general questions, to which he already knew the answers from Greg but wanted to hear them from her. They were the same questions as Greg's: when did it start, how long for, and eventually did she still do it. She seemed okay answering him, doing her best to not show him how scared she was, even though he could tell she knew he was looking straight through her.

Jules: 'No.'

Erik: 'You don't still hurt yourself.'

Jules: 'No.'

Erik: 'Okay. You've said you don't hurt yourself anymore, but do you ever think about doing it.'

Jules: 'Yes.'

Erik: 'Why do you think about hurting yourself?'

Jules: 'It's the only thing that has kept me going recently. Since Tasha.'

Erik: 'Tasha Redford, the case that started all this.'

Jules: 'Yes. To keep me sane. My job isn't exactly easy to not bring home with you. It's not like I can leave the memories at the barn. Sometimes I just need to do something to help me make them go away, so I can have a separate life away from work. If that means I have to think about holding my hands under boiling water until they blister, or dragging a razor blade across my arm I will.'

Erik: 'Is that what you think about doing to yourself?'

Jules: 'Yes. Nothing you haven't heard before I guess.'

She was starting to get defensive, Erik could tell by the tone of her voice. He needed to try and calm her down if he was to keep her talking and find out more.

Erik: 'The razor blade, I've heard that before yes. But I've never seen someone who thought about using or has used hot water before. That one is new to me.'

Jules: 'Well I guess I'm a new kind of freak for you then.'

Erik: 'You're not a freak Jules.'

Jules: 'Bet you've told people that plenty of times. How many of them actually believed you.'

Erik: 'Nearly all of them, eventually. It took a while but they soon realised that they were just normal people going through a particularly tough time in their life. Just like you. They weren't freaks or saddos. Emo's, goths, chavs, punks. I've heard everything that my patients like you have been called. In your line of work I bet you've heard them yourself plenty of times. It's interesting though why Tasha Redford was the first one to affect you like this since you've been with the SRU, considering you must have had plenty of suicide cases before. What was different about this one?'

Jules: 'I don't know. It just was. Maybe it was because she was sixteen, the same age I was. I really don't know. All I do know, is that when I jumped off that building to save her, part of me wished I wasn't attached to the railing with those safety ropes. I wish I kept on falling and didn't stop till I hit the ground. Just so I would feel something, anything. But part of me hated myself for thinking like that, because I haven't done anything like that in a long time and I don't want to start again now.'

Erik: 'This wish that you weren't attached to safety ropes, was it about suicide at all?'

Jules: 'No. I haven't thought about that in a long time. This was just about wanting relief, a mental release.'

Erik: 'Thank you for being honest with me. Now that we've talked about your self harm, do you mind if we talk about your panic attacks?'

The rest of the session was Erik learning about what set off Jules' panic attacks and helping her to recognize different common triggers so she would know when to expect one might be coming or how to avoid one if possible. He also helped her to learn a few basic self soothing techniques, ways of calming herself down, teaching herself to breathe during a panic attack so she didn't pass out, and what to do if those techniques wouldn't work and she needed help. It wasn't exactly easy to call for someone's help in the middle of a panic attack, so she needed to understand what to do in the event that she couldn't call Greg or even himself for help.

Once that was covered he gave Jules some time to think over the session and ask any questions of her own, before he went to talk to Greg. He made sure that she knew he would be telling Greg about her thinking about hurting herself, not wanting a bad habit of secrets to start between them. She agreed to it, albeit rather hesitantly, asking if he really had to, whether it would matter or not. He managed to get her to see it from his side, and other than that there wasn't really anything else they talked about that Jules desperately wanted to be kept from Greg. Which Erik knew was a good thing.

Before he left he could see Jules was still struggling with telling Greg about her thinking about hurting herself, and not wanting to destroy any trust they had built between them he came up with a compromise that he would tell Greg about how she thought about hurting herself, but only tell him that, no details. Not until she was more comfortable talking about it herself without being encouraged, and when he believed she was ready to talk about it openly with Greg, he knew she would be ready for him to know about the more intimate details. Jules seemed much more happy with this arrangement, and promised him she would be fine while he went to talk to Greg.

Erik had told Greg that she would be okay to return to work, in a less active role but it would be good to not separate her from everybody, let her know that he trusted her to come back to work and not have a breakdown after every case like Tasha Redford. Let her build up her trust with her teammates so eventually she could talk to them as well and let them help her just like him and Greg. He told Greg he would help him to make sure Jules wouldn't lose her job over this, knowing that that would be the last thing she would need happen.

He explained everything about Jules wanting to hurt herself, how she thought about it but never did anything because she wanted to be stronger than that and not go back to that part of her life, and how Greg needed to trust him to work through that with Jules, and not start to watch her every movement, saying how that would make things worse and keeping Jules' trust in him was very important at a time like this. Greg agreed and thanked Erik for doing this for him, especially when today was an important day for him.

They made another appointment, and Erik took him back to his office to see Jules and tell her about the next appointment. She didn't exactly look thrilled at having to come back, but Greg could see she wasn't as reluctant as she was about this first appointment. He would definitely call that progress.

After they left Erik's office and made their way back to Greg's car, he asked Jules if she was okay and how she felt about going back to work the next day. She said she was fine, nervous and worried about what people would ask her as to why she was off for so long, especially Sam, but other than that she was okay. Just wanted to get back to normal, whatever normal was for her these days.


	8. Chapter 8

This isn't my best written chapter, it's just a filler chapter. Thank you to those of you who are still reading and reviewing this story. It's nice to know people like it, because I must say it's not one of my best. I'm not sure I like it that much anymore myself. Anyway, hope you like the chapter. :)

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Three months later and Jules was starting to cope with her panic attacks using the techniques that Erik had taught her. At first she had been unable to come to terms with how to use them, finding it difficult to manage an attack once it had taken hold of her. She didn't like it at all, feeling useless and thinking she was a failure to Erik and Greg. She had stopped trying after a while, instead just letting the panic attacks happen and then working out how to tell Greg that she hadn't succeeded in gaining control, again and again.

Greg hadn't been upset with her or disappointed in her, not like she thought he would. He was worried that she had given up hope and tried to encourage her to keep going, to not let her fear take over. It hadn't worked and he found Jules retreating more and more into herself every day, and growing more and more distant with him at the same time. She was dealing well with work, finding it easier to get back to it then she thought she would. That was something at least.

She had been kept in the truck with Spike as Greg had said she would be, and after the first case he was expecting the complaining to start about how she hated being cooped up and not allowed to be in on the action. But her actual reaction shocked him to the core. She had told him she liked being in the truck, she preferred it to being outside and in the middle of a negotiation or on the top of a building somewhere ready to take a Scorpio shot. Greg had never heard Jules talk like that before, and it scared him, wondering what had happened to his once confident as anything second negotiator and one of the best in the business snipers.

Jules had convinced him that everything was fine, that she wasn't losing it and it had nothing to do with her thinking less of herself, which Greg had asked her about. She just told him that it was a new position for her on the team, another way for her to do her job and she liked not having a weight hanging over her head on every hot call anymore. The weight of the fifty-fifty chance that she would have to pull her trigger and end someone's life that day, someone who hadn't thought of dying before, of wanting to die, and here she was taking that choice out of their hands.

That concerned Greg, and he realised that Jules hadn't been right for a long time. These struggles she had with the job, which led to her thinking about hurting herself to separate her work and home lives, they were bigger than he expected. More threatening to her than he expected. She had needed a break from the field for a while now and hadn't even realised it herself. He supposed she hadn't needed to, not when she thought she could cope by thinking about hurting herself to deal with it. Now it didn't matter though, because she was out of the field and she was happy about it, which relieved Greg, knowing that now maybe she could start to get better.

Spike hadn't minded having his space taken over by Jules, he welcomed it in fact. He was always by himself in the truck and so now he actually had someone to communicate with face to face, and to help him complete the normally three or four requests he got from the team at any given time during a hot call, allowing them to get the job done faster and more efficiently, and therefore increasing the chances of the negotiator getting through to the subject faster, which ultimately lead to a speedier resolvement of the situation.

It also gave Spike the chance to get out in the field more himself, allowing him to be more active with the hostage situations and learn how to negotiate himself, something he always wanted to learn to allow himself more time in the field. Greg and Ed had also learnt themselves how great Spike was at making connections with people. They had had two suicide cases in these last three months and these cases especially had shown Spike's skill to Greg and Ed. One was a twenty-six year old autistic man who had recently been placed into a group home following the death of his mother who was also his long term carer. He didn't understand why she wasn't there anymore and he had run up onto the roof of the group home after an altercation with one of the nurses. He watched another patient jump off the roof the previous week and get sent away to the hospital where his family would see him, and so thought this was the way that people got to see their family again and go home.

Sadly this case hadn't ended the way they hoped, and it left the team wondering whether they would have ever gotten through to him due to his disability. His comprehension to understand the situation was obviously compromised therefore they couldn't know if he ever really understood what they were talking about and whether anything they said made a difference. It was the hardest on Spike, because it was one of his first negotiations, but with the support from the team and his own understanding of the situation, Spike was able to concede that this man would have jumped to his death regardless of what Spike said to him. It was what was obviously meant to happen in the eyes of The Lord, and Spike accepted that.

The second victim was a forty-eight year old man who was wanting to hang himself in the graveyard where his wife was buried, because his beloved pet chinchilla had recently died. The chinchilla was a wedding present off his wife, and had lived for twenty-seven years and been his only companion since his wife died four years earlier. He was so heartbroken he wanted to join them both in Heaven. He had just buried the chinchilla next to his wife, having even ordered a headstone to be erected next to his wife's. The team had found it hard to get through to the man and get him to understand that his wife, and his chinchilla, would want him to keep on living and to be happy that they were together. After Spike had successfully managed to get him to see the brighter picture, the man had made the decision to get a new chinchilla. He was thinking of names as the paramedics took him to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation.

This case made for an interesting and humorous briefing, with the team struggling to comprehend the situation. A man actually wanting to kill himself over the death of his pet. However, as the briefing went on, the team came to the conclusion that his suicide attempt wasn't about his chinchilla, but his wife. The chinchilla was the last connection to his wife, a present from her to signify the best day of their lives, and now that the animal had died to him it was like their marriage was finally over, on Earth anyway, something he wasn't willing to let himself believe until now.

Spike just had a natural way of getting people to trust him, and to believe everything he said, which Spike always made personal for the victims, so it didn't seem as though he repeated the same thing to everybody who attempted suicide and therefore giving the victim the thought that he didn't really care about them, it was just his job to talk them out of jumping off a building or hanging themselves or cutting their wrists. It was easy for him, he had a natural talent of talking to people, and Greg and Ed were amazed at the skill he had, having never really had the opportunity to see it before.

So everyone seemed rather happy and content with the changes made, they weren't that big but were noticeable enough. And for Greg as long as Jules was happy and coping well that was all that mattered, he would do anything to help Jules, even if it meant upsetting the balance of the team. Like he had told Erik, he had already lost one child, it wasn't going to happen again.

Now, after these two months of Jules not being in the field, giving herself the distance she needed from the hot calls they worked, she was slowly starting to trust herself more when it came to helping herself work through her panic attacks. She was allowing herself more time to actually try and make the techniques Erik taught her work, she wasn't giving up after the first time, and by having that trust and telling herself she could do it, she had eventually controlled one of her attacks and was able to bring the attack to an end five minutes earlier than usual. It may not have been as successful as it should have been, considering Erik had first seen her nearly four months ago, but it was a start and he had told her that when she reported her progress for the week in their most recent session.

Now she was learning to handle the panic attacks, Erik was hopeful that these same techniques would also help her to deal with her thoughts about wanting to hurt herself, something that she was still dealing with, and hadn't made any attempt to stop thinking about. For Jules, she had said that the panic attacks were the main problem because they were interfering with her work, her wanting to hurt herself was a private and separate issue that could wait. She said as long as she didn't actually do anything it was fine. Maybe she saw it that way but for Erik he didn't like it that she wasn't at all interested in trying to stop or let him help her with that, especially because of her previous suicide attempt.

And of course, he couldn't forget about her thoughts of not wanting to save herself when she fell off the building with Tasha Redford. That still bothered him, even though she said she no longer had suicidal thoughts, it wasn't something someone just got over, just like that. It took a lot of time and therapy, and the fact that Jules had never seen a counsellor about any of her problems was a problem in itself. Especially because of her still wanting to hurt herself, after all these years. Thinking about hurting oneself or actually doing it was often a precursor to a suicide attempt. He would have to watch her closely and keep an eye on how her feelings towards suicide changed, whether her answers to his questions changed a lot or not really.


	9. Chapter 9

Thank you to everyone who reviewed and liked the last chapter. Hope you like this one as well. :)

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Spike had been watching Jules closely for the past four hours, ever since they had received this hot call. She had been different, not like the Jules he normally knew on hot calls and not like the Jules he had gotten to know since they had been in the truck together. No matter how close team one was and how much of a family they were, it always surprised them when they learnt something knew about each other. Like the past few months, with Greg and Ed learning how good a negotiator Spike was, and Spike learning some new things about Jules whilst working so closely alongside her. He wasn't sure if he was the only one who didn't know these things about her, or if the rest of the team didn't know either, with the possible exception of Greg who knew her best of all.

Anyway today she wasn't herself. She hadn't said a word when the call came in, instead just making her way to the truck and waiting for Spike to join her. As Spike was about to get into the drivers seat, something which had become more common for him now (and which he secretly liked a lot), Greg had stopped him and asked him to keep an eye out for her, saying that she was having an off day and he wanted Spike to make sure she was doing alright throughout the hot call and to radio him if anything happened with Jules that was out of the ordinary. What could happen that was out of the ordinary for Jules Spike had no idea but he promised Greg she would be fine with him. What Greg said to him made him worried for Jules, and slightly confused, as she had seemed fine before they got the hot call.

Driving to the scene Spike subtly watched Jules from the corner of his eye and noticed how her hands were shaking and sweaty, she was nervously picking at the skin around her fingernails and chewing on her lips, she kept her gaze on her window and refused to look at Spike or anywhere else, and she hadn't said a word either. This silence was kept up throughout the duration of the hot call up until now: she only spoke in answer to Spike's questions or to acknowledge a request from Greg and to give him the result of his request.

What was even more odd is that when both Ed and Sam suggested Jules took this hot call and became the negotiator, Greg refused to let it happen and wouldn't listen to reason. He actually shouted at Ed at one point when Ed didn't let it go, something Greg never did, but it was enough to make Ed listen and accept Greg as the negotiator. So for the last four hours of trying to stop a thirteen year old girl from jumping off her father's office building, Spike had been watching Jules carefully and noticed how she became more closed off and stranger as the time went on.

Greg had managed to gain some of the girl's trust about an hour ago, and she had finally started to open up to him. Before that she had been as silent as Jules and wouldn't give Greg anything to work with. They learnt her name was Martha and that she didn't want to go home ever again. As for why Greg hadn't earned that much trust yet. He had however been able to get her to move away from the edge and let him come closer so they could talk easier. It was someone in the crowd of onlookers who recognized the girl's name, and eventually the girl, as being the daughter of one of the men whom she worked with. He was new to the company, having only been there five months. He and his children moved after his wife died in an accident at their previous home the year before. Martha hadn't adjusted well and had been in the care of a psychiatrist since her mother died. Both her psychiatrist and her father were called to the scene to try and ascertain why Martha was attempting suicide (despite the obvious reason of her mother's death) and work out a way to bring her down safely.

Her father was distraught, as was to be expected and it fell to his daughter's psychiatrist, a Dr. Kennedy Melvoy, and Ed to try and calm him down and get him talking about his daughter and what he knew that could help them save his daughter. It turned out Dr. Melvoy was more helpful, having known more about Martha than her own father. She explained Martha's state of mind recently and what they had talked about, trying to come up with an explanation as to how she could have missed this crucial part of Martha's mental state.

In the end it was Martha herself who helped Greg and the team understand why she was doing this, by spotting her father in the crowd below and becoming unstable once she saw him. Everything just came out as Martha lost the little bit of sanity she had left and through the tears, the screaming and the hyperventilating, she explained to Greg how her mother's death wasn't an accident, and how she watched her father start to hit her mother over and over again before dragging her to the stairs and pushing her down them, after her mother had found evidence of him having an affair.

It was during this breakdown that Greg had managed to herd Martha away from the edge and put himself between it and her, making sure that she didn't suddenly make a run for it and jump before he could stop her. But none of them were prepared for her suddenly brandishing a knife and slitting her wrist, still crying and screaming but this time not making any sense, like she had finally had enough and was letting everything out no matter if people could understand her or not. She didn't care, she was letting go of it all instead of keeping it to herself a minute longer.

She dropped the knife as she fell onto the ground, her legs giving way and her body giving up as Greg, Wordy and Sam all ran to her, Wordy reaching her first and immediately grabbing her wrist to try and stop more blood from escaping her body as Sam radioed Spike and Jules for an ambulance. She didn't fight them off, letting them help her, having no strength left to defend herself against three grown men. As Wordy kept a tight hold of her wrist, Sam picked Martha up and they made their way down to the street below and to the waiting ambulance where the paramedics took over from them and stabilised her before rushing her to the hospital. Dr. Melvoy hurried after them in her own car to be there for Martha until her siblings could get to the hospital, while her father was put under arrest by Ed and taken away by uniformed officers.

While all that commotion was going on, with Wordy, Sam and Greg dealing with Martha and Ed with her father Spike made a start on getting the command truck ready to be driven back to the barn, saving all their research on the computers to be added to the file later on and making sure the transcripts that were automatically recorded through their headsets to be used during the debrief were ready to be printed and given to Greg when they got back.

As he was doing this he noticed Jules wasn't helping, and had made no attempt to move at all since things had gone south with Martha. When her breakdown started Jules had frozen and had sat listening to her crying and her screams, and had then listened as Wordy had cried out that she had cut her wrist and Sam had radioed for an ambulance. She couldn't do anything but sit there and feel her breathing start to get faster and her vision start to blur as the start of a panic attack came on. She knew this time none of the techniques Erik had taught her were going to work and so she didn't even try to stop it from happening. She knew Spike would see it and would that her secret would be exposed, but at that moment she didn't care.

She'd had to be part of another suicide case. Another teenage girl wanting to end her life. Another case to remind her of her past and take her back to square one in her counselling sessions with Erik. She didn't know how many more cases she could handle before it broke her completely. As the panic attack came on sudden and strong she allowed herself to collapse onto the floor of the command truck, letting it take over once again.


	10. Chapter 10

Hello everyone, sorry I haven't updated sooner. I've been busy getting ready for starting university in September. There will be longer waits between updates from here because of this. Sorry about that. I'll try not to make you wait too long.

Anyway I hope you like this chapter, this chapter and the road I am taking this story down came from Wondergirl956 who gave me the idea when I had no where to go from the last chapter. Thank you. :)

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As Spike noticed that Jules wasn't helping him to clear up the command truck, he had stopped what he was doing and watched her. He saw her sitting at her computer, a look of terror on her face. Her hands were shaking, her breathing had gotten laboured and he noticed tears start to fall down her face. Before she collapsed Spike knew what was happening to her. He couldn't believe that he hadn't figured it out before. Him of all people. The one person who should have. It would explain why she was put in the truck, why Greg refused to let her be the negotiator, why Greg had asked Spike to look after Jules. Greg knew about this. And now Spike himself did as well.

As Jules slid off her chair Spike jumped forward and caught her before she hit the floor, carefully laying her down and putting her into the recovery position once he knew she was unconscious. He knew he should have radioed Greg and told him what was happening, radioed anyone and gotten help, but he didn't. He knew that was the last thing Jules would want and he didn't want to make the situation worse for her than it already was. She had just had fainted because of a panic attack and Spike had witnessed it. He knew that would be hard for Jules, who hated anyone seeing her in a weak or vulnerable position, especially the team, so he had to make sure that she understand he wouldn't tell anyone and that he would be here for her, and would help her with whatever she needed.

As he waited for Jules to come around, he quickly locked the command truck door so nobody could just walk in, and took off Jules' comm link and his own so the rest of the team wouldn't be able to hear them. He knew he would be in trouble with Greg over this, but at the moment he couldn't care less. If he told Greg then the rest of the team would probably find out, and that was for Jules to decide if she wanted them to know or not.

He should know, he hadn't told anyone about his own past and his problems with panic disorders. For one he was ashamed and didn't want to be thought of as weak and seen as somebody who couldn't take care of himself. And secondly he knew if the team knew they would treat him differently, probably what Jules thought as well. So he had made sure to bury whatever medical history pertained to the panic attacks and everything his psychiatrist had on him and put it somewhere in cyber space where nobody would find it, allowing him to apply for the SRU without anybody finding out. It was one of the reasons his father hated him for joining the SRU.

Spike was pulled from his thoughts by hearing Jules suddenly start to whimper as she regained consciousness and found it hard to breathe. Spike quickly helped her up so she was sitting next to him, leaning against the wall for support as Spike coached her through some exercises his brother had taught him, and he found had helped him in similar situations. Situations where the trigger was so strong you lost all ability to think straight and forgot everything you knew about self soothing techniques. His brother had helped him and now he was helping Jules using the same techniques, techniques that weren't used by psychiatrists but which worked. And they seemed to work on Jules as well.

After about five minutes Jules was able to breathe easily again and after Spike was sure the panic attack was over he got up to get her a bottle of water from his bag. He never went anywhere without one and his medication, used only when he was in a serious problem. He was tempted to give Jules something to calm her down, but it she was on prescribed medication of her own he didn't want to risk giving her anything that could hurt her. With any luck she would have any medication with her and so she could take it now and give it time to start to work before the briefing.

Spike: 'Are you okay? Do you feel dizzy or nauseous at all?'

Jules: 'No. Just tired.'

Spike: 'Take your time. I locked the door so nobody can come in, and I have some pretty good excuses on hand if we need them.'

He smiled at her, trying to ease the situation so she didn't feel tense or embarrassed. She smiled back and laughed a little, taking small sips of the water he had given her.

Jules: 'I bet you do. Have you told Sarge yet?'

Spike: 'No. That's not my call.'

Jules: 'Even though he made you promise to look after me and tell him if anything happened?'

Spike: 'This isn't about him. It's about you. And if you don't want him to know, my lips are sealed. My lips are sealed anyway actually. Nobody will know. I will definitely keep that promise.'

Jules: 'Thank you.'

Spike: 'No problem. Whenever I had my attacks, my brother would never tell my parents. Only if it was really serious. Other than that they were our secret. And now that secret is between you and me.'

Jules: 'Your attacks? You mean. . .'

Spike: 'Yeah. Me too. I was about ten when they started. The stress from school and being bullied. It just got too much and I couldn't handle it. I still take the medication now even though I haven't had an attack since I was seventeen. Safety method, so I don't have one on the job at all. Nobody knows. Not even Sarge. Only you.'

Jules: 'Same here. Only Greg does know. Found out the day we were training and you got cramp. They started after Tasha. The case, it reminded me of my past, of what happened to me when I was her age and I couldn't cope. Now every case like her is the same.'

Spike: 'Suicide calls.'

Jules: 'Yeah. Especially like today. Brings back memories that I put to rest a long time ago. At least I thought I did.'

Spike: 'Are you taking anything? Clonazepam, Diazepam, Alprazolam?'

Jules: 'Yeah. You?'

Spike: 'The same. Pretty good combination. Worked for me anyway. Do you have them on you?'

Jules: 'They're at the barn. I've never needed them in the field before. Guess I should rethink that now.'

Spike: 'Here, I'll give you some of mine. At least we're on the same thing. No chance of drug interference at all.'

Spike gave her the dose she usually took and then they just sat in silence for a few minutes. Jules was digesting the information that Spike suffered from a panic disorder just like she did, and the fact that Spike now knew about her. Spike was watching Jules and seeing how she took everything in that he had told her. Looking for any signs that she was uncomfortable or not ready to deal with all this information right now. He knew they needed to sort this situation out soon before the team started banging on the door.

Spike: 'I say we have maybe five more minutes before they start to notice we're not there. How you doing?'

Jules: 'Okay. Just wondering how I'm going to convince Greg of that. He's great, he really is and I love him for being so caring and concerned for me. For everything he's done for me already. But sometimes, it's so hard to talk to him about things. About certain things that I don't know how to talk about. You know?'

Spike: 'Yeah. That was like with my parents. I knew that I could talk to them about anything and they would listen and be there for me, but it was really hard to. I felt like every time I brought it up I made them feel a little more let down everytime, because I had this problem that they couldn't fix. I was their son and they couldn't protect me from everything. Especially my Ma. With Pa, it was more that he was ashamed to have a son who couldn't protect himself from a few school bullies. Everything he had taught me about being strong and taking care of myself was useless because I couldn't put it into action.'

Jules: 'With Greg, I don't want him to feel like he's failed me. I know that to him I am his second chance at being a father. And if I break, he is scared to lose me as well. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to hurt him, but talking to him sometimes hurts more than it helps. I don't want him to know that, but other than Erik, my pschiatrist, he's the only person I have.'

Spike: 'You have me. I may not be a psychiatrist, or a profiler like Greg, but I have a unique insight that not many people have. I'm here for you and you can talk to me about anything, anytime.'

Jules: 'Are you sure? I don't want this to be bad for you, to bring things back for you.'

Spike: 'I'm sure. And besides, maybe it will be good for me to talk about it instead of keeping into myself. We can go through this together. I'd like that.'

Jules: 'I'd like that too. Thank you.'

Spike: 'Your welcome.'

There was suddenly a loud thump at the door and a yell, followed by some cursing.

Ed: 'What the -! Spike! Jules! Why on Earth is the door locked! I think I just broke my flippin nose!'

Jules and Spike couldn't contain their laughter. They both started howling as they got up off the floor and Spike made his way to the door to unlock it.

Spike: 'Oh, hey Ed. Is the door sticking again? Maybe we should get the mechanic to check it over. The last thing we want is you to break your nose on it.'

Ed: 'Oh ha ha. Since when has it been sticking?'

Spike: 'A few days I think. It could just do with some oil on the hinges I suppose.'

Ed: 'Well nobody else has noticed anything with it.'

Spike: 'Yes well. Nobody else is in the truck as much as I am. Anyway what can we do for you?'

Ed: 'I came to tell you we're heading back to the barn for briefing. Jules, Sarge wants to see you first though. What have you two been doing in here all this time?'

Spike: 'You know, the usual. Saving all the transcripts, all the searches we did and the files we have created so its all ready to be printed and saved to the archives.'

Ed: 'It took you this long to do all that? Usually you do it within a few minutes.'

Spike: 'Would you rather a thorough job done or a rushed one? You can't rush precision Ed. Weren't you the one who told me that?'

Ed: 'Okay whatever. Just hurry up.'

With that Ed left and Spike and Jules let the remaining laughter leave their systems before Spike locked up everything in the command truck and they both left. Spike went to wait in the driver's seat for Jules, who made her way over to Greg. She hoped he wouldn't be able to tell anything was wrong. Ed hadn't so hopefully Greg would be easy to fool. She looked back at Spike who gave her a thumbs up and a smile, encouraging her. Jules knew that things were going to be different now that Spike knew. But because he had been through this himself before, Jules knew he was probably the best person to know. She was just thankful it was him and not Sam. Having Sam know would be the worst thing. He would never let it go and would become even more overbearing than he already was.

However she knew that the amount of time she would be spending with Spike now was going to become known pretty soon, and she didn't know what problems that would bring up with Sam. His jealousy was well known throughout the whole SRU, along with his fascination with Jules, so if any rumours started up about her and Spike, she dreaded to think what he would do to Spike. But she knew one thing, if Sam hurt Spike in any way, physically or emotionally she would never forgive him and would make him pay for it in the worst way possible.


End file.
